Be good to yourself

I have just celebrated my 46th birthday and being just 4 short years away from my 50th, I realize that there are many things that I have delayed for one reason or another. I will not deny I am a bit of a procrastinator, I get a twisted thrill from the energy and adrenaline you get from putting it together under pressure. In addition to the aging process, I have also gained a bit of weight of which I am not proud. I have returned to a city where I spent most of my adult life for 3 years and did not see old friends or family because of my weight. I have lived in NYC now for nearly a year and felt like I did not deserve to shop or enjoy certain things because of it.
Well I, and I am certain I am not alone, have come to my senses and know that I am in full control of this self-defacing crippling approach to this great thing called life. My life.
Why do we feel like we don't deserve happiness? While in the moments or cycles of despair, we wish ourselves out of it and wonder through the eclipse of unhappiness why did this happen to me? And yet, when the emotional sun casts its brilliance on us, we feel unworthy of it. God knows we have suffered.
A dear friend called me a week before my birthday and asked what I wanted. I know she has limited means and her generosity usurps her bank balance. I told her to save her money, send a nice card and come to NY and lets spend some time together. I would rather hang out, walk the city, see the park, people watch, sip great wine, try a different place for dinner with her than have her spend money on either a gift card or things that I can buy myself. I enjoy the thought behind gifts and the things I possess all tell a story. A time, a place or a person that brings back all the feelings each time I look at it but in this case, when you at one time spent every day together and miles preclude you from that time, I put more value on the time creating the memory. So she did.
We had a great dinner on night one, great wine, a lot of laughs and watched movies until the wee hours. The next morning we flopped around, napping and watching tv, snacking and of course, talking and laughing and charting our course for our careers and lives. We have all solved the world in the confines of our homes with our friends knowing that if everyone saw things our way, the world would be a better place. And for that moment, it is. We finally got out after 4pm for some pampering, lunch at a French bistro and shopping. I had two nice pairs of sunglasses in my life for many years and one broke and the other I lost a year ago and decided it was time to treat myself. Each of us has something or a handful of things that make us feel good and I found the perfect replacement, a pair of Armani sunglasses. It is a silly thing in the scheme of world peace, literacy and hunger but it was an indulgence that to the naked eye was a pair of over priced sunglasses.
For me, it was being good to myself to say I deserve them.
After Katrina, a friend of mine who has now become a very dear friend, was at The Ritz-Carlton, South Beach at the same time I was. We had a very teary eyed, wrap your arms all the way around embrace that neither wanted to let air take over. We started to talk about our personal experiences and she held her breath and became very emotional because she missed her collection of pocket books. Like all of us, we have the things that make us feel good and our indulgences and hers was the pocket book. She felt very sad about losing everything but that really struck her. She told me how each one was a very special gift that was significant because it either represented a milestone, a sister, a lover, her Mom and she felt so guilty about feeling so badly about losing her pocket books. I told her I just saw another friend of ours and she had left everything behind except one suitcase - filled with photographs. What you miss is not the Prada, Gucci or Fendi, rather the moments in your life that the people who cared so much about you came to life in each of those gifts and not to feel guilty.
My point is - live now. Don't wait. If you like designer jeans and are a little curvier than you would like to be now, buy them now. If you want a good book but want to wait for the soft cover, get it now; one of the bookstores or Amazon always have a little discount. For me, I am walking around in my killer sunglasses with my fat jeans living life today. The way it should be.

Perseverance

What is perseverance?

• Perseverance is commitment, hard work, patience, endurance.

• Perseverance is being able to bear difficulties calmly and without complaint.

• Perseverance is trying again and again.

You show perseverance when you ...

• Give up your tv time to spend hours studying

• Try a new sport that is very difficult but you don't give up

• Have a learning disability but keep studying even when discouraged

• Come from a home where there is fighting and unhappiness but you still try your best

• Have missed a week of school but you work hard to catch up

• Are at the end of a difficult race but you cross the finish line

• Save money and make sacrifices to buy something

• Spend hours practicing on your music

• Study and work hard to raise your grade

• Try out for something you weren't successful at the first time

Feel energetic and optimistic! You can do anything you set your mind to! This positive outlook is and it's certainly easier to go through life happy. People choose whether or not they're going to be happy. Make the right choice and you're bound to be successful once you believe you can be.

I believe you have the power to elicit a response from another simply by taking the positive approach.

Leadership I have a few simple guidelines for myself - people are motivated by either fear or desire. With desire, they will want to be successful and will have your back.

Love them; they will love you back!

Donate Life

Eleven years ago today I went to Mass General Hospital to be tested and determine whether or not I was a match to donate one of my kidneys to a very dear friend.
I attended an all employee event at our hotel at the time and my friend and colleague brought her beautiful daughter as her guest. We ate, had wine, lots of laughs and a few twirls on the dance floor and it was a spectacular night and was sometime in March with a springtime theme. The next day, I went to see my friend whom I have have known now for over 22 years and asked her about her daughter. I had known something was wrong health wise but not sure of the details.
She told me her daughter was fine, she was feeling well and that her kidneys were functioning at 15%. I, not knowing much about what that really meant or what options were available, asked. She told me that she is on a list and they are waiting for a cadaver.
I'm no mathematician but I knew that 15% was low and in my mind, time was running out and not working in our favor.
I said I wanted to be tested and she told me no, we will be fine, she can go on dialysis if we don't find a match and it will all be ok. I told her she had two choices. Either she calls her right now or I find the number and hunt her down myself. Reluctantly she dialed. I worked with her daughter, she came with me to the hospital and did all the necessary tests, which were easy.
Shortly thereafter we found out that three out of six of our antigens were a perfect match. I have no idea what an antigen is but I was delighted to find that I have them and they are in good shape and match my friends. For those of you into science:

An antigen is any substance that causes your immune system to produce antibodies against it. An antigen may be a foreign substance from the environment such as chemicals, bacteria, viruses, or pollen. An antigen may also be formed within the body, as with bacterial toxins or tissue cells.

Besides our blood types being compatible, based on the above (11 years later I am discovering this) it seems as though the likelihood of rejection would be minimal. If this was a two part harmony, we could take this live with a little piano and acoustic guitar.

Deep inside my soul, I felt I could do something so special, so relevant for someone and really help her in a way no one else could and in a way I have never been able to helps someone before. This would be intense and before I had time to digest my own feelings, I had to think of my wife and two sons and the rest of the family. My elation was subject to mild turbulence.

The whirlwind to follow involved every imaginable test including all types of blood work, a three dimensional CT scan, (48) hour urine samples (yes, the cooler in my office was not very popular). I was able to see all of my insides on a computer which is pretty cool, fascinating really. It makes you re-think a cookie or extra butter because there in plain lcd illumination is layers of fatty tissue. Why does frosting look so much more appealing on a cupcake rather than the 'cushion' around your liver? I had work to do this spring and early summer to harvest my organ for my friend!

We met with many doctors. Although I am intentionally leaving out names, I will mention one - Dr. Ko. He was my doctor - the taker! He is a terrific person, very bright, down to earth, great sense of humor and can explain the most finite medical procedures and deliver them in ones own language. We had a 'family' meeting and I thought it would be more like a picnic. There was no barbecue, no potato salad, no green jello ambrosia and not a frisbee in sight. We were in an OR lit for surgery with transplant nurses, specialists, her doctor, her mom, her, me, my wife, a not so witty psychologist and we sat in a big circle. There were questions ricocheting around and I was relatively numb as the seriousness was setting in. My wife was trembling throughout the meeting and I knew that we needed to get into the layers before the big day. But I will never forget my friend at this meeting.

There she was. At the head of the circle. The one who was in need, sitting tall, composed, long brown hair knowing at center stage she had to make sure, in light of all of these specialists, that everyone kept in check. And her brave soul responded to the questions with ease and said to the group, 'I am going to be ok, I am not sick, We will all be fine.' I looked at her in awe and thought to myself, as well as I know her, she never passes up a chance to take my breath away. Even in her time of angst she sat there braver than anyone of us!

My wife and I went to see the transplant shrink after this meeting. As much as we spoke about it, something was wrong. I felt resentful because I could not be scared myself. I had to put the armor on and be strong for everyone else which is fine - I am comfortable there. But for a moment, I needed to have someone on which to lean. The doctor told us this story about a man, a racist white man who was a member of the KKK and outright nasty to anyone who was not like him. He said this guy was in n-stage renal failure and in desperate need of a kidney. Even with dialysis, nothing removes toxins and does the job of a kidney. He was jaundice, felt weak, face sallow, hunched over and always felt like his head was between a migraine and pure fog. Well, good news came. There was a cadaver and he was a perfect match. They wheeled his sorry white ass up to the OR and performed the transplant. The next day, the doctor came to see him and asked how he felt. Even though it is major surgery, the recipient of the new kidney starts to feel great right away. So he told the doctor about how for the first time in how long he cannot even remember, he could feel his skin, he had color in his face and could think clearly. He asked the doctor about the surgery and from whom the kidney came. The doctor said that usually he would not reveal any of this, but knowing him, he let him know it was from a black man.

It occurred to him that for his entire miserable life, he had hated an entire class of people based on the color of their skin. He did not know any black people personally, he has hated them outwardly and in private. He made it a part of his life to take action against blacks. And here he sits in a hospital bed feeling better than he has in years. As he held his head sobbing in repose, it resonated with vivid color that it is what's inside of us that is most important!

This is only chapter one of this entire journey. Today needed special attention for my dear, sweet, beautiful friend. I love you and your Mother with all my heart and thank God for you both for making me a better person! Hugs and Kisses, Tim

This past week I really listened to Pink's 'Glitter In the Air' and realized that in light of her acrobatic performances, it is a beautiful song that can mean so much to so many.

It has become a fast friend and confidant during a fragile time on so many levels and tonight I was going to go to the gym and do my own thing. Instead, the line, 'Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself, will it ever get better than tonight?'.

I forfeited my original plan and wondered what is it that I do to have someone think that about me? We expect so much from others - our lovers, our children, our friends, parents siblings and all those in our lives and as much as we think we give to them, have you ever wondered what they think of us? Do we give them the lyrics to a song; the words to a poem; the smell of spring in the park? Would it be so terrible if I woke up at 4:30am and did double time and give that tonight? So I did.

I sent a brief message on facebook and received great comments from friends new and from my past and hope that I was able to give a little back to whomever I could. This photo of these delicate blue and yellow flowers at the break of dusk in this huge park in the middle of this magnificent city tells so much. To pause in the middle of our craziness to breathe with our eyes and see with all of our senses of the small things make a powerful difference. One small blue bud looks delicate, fragile and peaceful and as you step away, this blanket of blue ignites the landscape.

Enjoy!

I watched Julie & Julia today - certainly not for the first time (or last) and wondered if anyone reads what I write here. I am not sure how anyone finds these blogs but I made a promise that I would write more and more consistently. And ran out and bought butter. Lots of it!

There is a story running on the CNN page about how a Vegan magazine that had been illustrating photos that have now been found to include meat. There is a photo of Chicken stew that was re-used in the magazine indicating it was vegan.

Raises the question about truth in media and advertising. When photo shoots are done, how much of it is 'real' in the final product? Watching the 'September Issue', Wintour's honest account and indirect response to 'The Devil...' there is plenty of discussion about what photos stay and go and how a wig needs to be brought in because the real hair does not look good after a bad cut. Push up this, real in that, puff up this and minimize lines on photo shop. Does soy look as sexy as chicken? Does cropping the hair off a model or bone off a spare rib make a difference? They say sex sells. We all want something different. Vegans want no bones, no eggs cheese or milk.

It lies within the consumer's eye and our decision to buy the product and magazine. With 1 million in circulation, VegNews takes some risk slipping in a little chicken where there should be soy. In the end, it is up to the readers to decide whether or not they continue to buy the magazine. It is a choice, one we make each day.

And to Ms. Quarry Girl who has her 'barf bag' popped and ready for use - your controversal post may not have put food on your table, but it stirred up plenty of PR for this magazine! And on some level, they are thanking you.

Two years ago was the end of a very long journey. Faith is a hard thing to hold on to sometimes but when you think you can't do it any longer, push a little harder one more time....

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Countrywide writes its wrongs, at last! One mortgage company leads ethically and with a heart.

After an adjustable arm FHA mortgage was refinanced on an over-estimated home value and mortgage payments increased by 50% in a downward spiraling housing & mortgage market, Countrywide approved a short sale and not only helped sell a house, but make a home for a new family.

Mandeville, Louisiana, April 9, 2009 – 18 months, a 6 page hardship letter, volumes of financial and legal information, in excess of 150 emails and numerous phone calls, our home was finally sold and title passed thanks to two wonderful ladies at Countrywide Mortgage. It may take a village, but in this case, it took two women who believed, who persevered and who relentlessly partnered with me to fight the good fight and truly make a difference.

In my lifetime that has included the end of the Vietnam war, the sexual revolution, our first president up for impeachment, Madonna, the crash of 1989, waves of real estate booms, desert storm, Madonna, our first black president and all the wonderful highs and the few lows, I never imagined that avarice would take our country to where it is now and how it would impact me and my family personally. After all, we even survived Katrina and housed a family of five virtual strangers in our little three bedroom house across the lake because theirs was destroyed by 11 feet of water.

Financial hardship as a result of the American nightmare – credit cards - a judgment and garnishment of wages led to my only recourse of re-financing the mortgage. Our house survived Katrina suffering only wind damage and needed only a replaced roof and was overvalued by the refinancer. I bought the house in August, 2003 for $156,000 and it is a great 3 bedroom house with an open floor plan in a wonderful subdivision with a pool and clubhouse with rules and regulations that keep the area safe, tidy and very well maintained with the best public school systems in the state. In just 2 short years it was preposterous to think that sweet little house was worth $250,000. I was desperate and need the surplus ‘equity’ to pay some bills and get my financial health in order. My mortgage payments (including real estate tax and homeowner’s insurance) went from a palatable $1,200 to over $1,800 per month.

We had decided that we would head back to the northeast to be nearer to family. I moved to Washington, DC taking a lower paying position and it made it nearly impossible to maintain the mortgage payments and my family stayed behind. I was offered a better paying job in Boston and this was a destination that was best for me and my family so after only 5 months in DC, I moved to Boston in August, 2007 and immediately took advantage of my relocation benefit and put the house in Mandeville on the market. We worked closely with Kathy Petz, a dynamic real estate professional with Coldwell Banker who poured her heart and soul into ensuring the home was staged well, priced right and anything it took to find a buyer. Open house after open house, advertising, last minute showings and all that goes into selling, we only had two offers. The first offer made in April, 2008 fell through because no one from Countrywide Mortgage ever contacted us to approve/deny/comment on a short sale and a three month period expired and the prospective buyer moved on.

Nearly one year later, mid February, 2009, the second offer came. The balance on my mortgage was just over $200,000 and the offer was for $185,000. Enter Countrywide mortgage and now the magic begins!

Lori Raya, Workout Negotiator, who works in the Office of the President at Countrywide worked very closely with me and requested payroll data, checking account information, a hardship letter, personal financial records and balance sheet and every available piece of information so she may make a reasonable business decision. In a short sale, she used a percentage of market value to the balance of the mortgage as one piece of the multi part puzzle to make her determination. Throughout my interactions with Ms. Raya, she treated me with respect, dignity and as if I was a million dollar customer and not someone on the edge. On Monday, March 9, 2009 Ms. Raya sent the approval letter of the short sale. Ms. Raya then turns over the process to another Workout Negotiator to close the sale.

Debra Spaulding, Workout Negotiator II with Countrywide took over. She was responsive, professional and again, treated me as a valued customer and in her case, she partnered with me through some very touch-and-go times and at two specific times, thought we would have lost the entire sale. We were at the home stretch and nothing could go wrong. Expect paragraph 15.

In the short sale approval letter, there is legal language that Countrywide put in to protect themselves from fraud. My relocation company who assumes power of attorney and ‘buys’ the house from me and sells it to the buyer refused this language and in the 11th hour, walked away from it and set policy refusing to work with short sales. Here we were left to start from scratch and the short sale approval was only valid until 4/6/09 so a week and a half before the expiration and about a week before the close, we had to have new contracts written, a HUD form and all new documents and papers signed, notarized and passed. Then the title companies hit a legal road block with this language and were not willing to neither write insurance on the sale nor participate in the close.

At this point, title companies were sending blast emails and memorandums to their affiliates not to accept short sale language such as this and specifically cited Countrywide. Ms. Spaulding went back and forth with her superiors and legal team and Ms. Raya was consulted and both of these ladies were not going to see this sale dissipate. They made it their personal mission to make sure nothing barred this sale from going to fruition; both of them had worked too hard to get to where we were. Through the power of persuasion, the legal expertise and years of mortgage experience and the old fashioned business ethic of truly caring for your customer; Ms. Spaulding and Ms. Raya were able to make the appropriate legal refinements and the title company accepted the change. Ms. Raya wrote, “I have done everything in my power to help you accomplish closure of this transaction. I know that you have great things to come and look forward to offering as much assistance as possible to help you complete this short sale.”

On April 2, 2009 1140 Milan Drive in Mandeville Louisiana was graciously delivered to a wonderful family and proud parents of a newly born baby girl. Countrywide has been in the papers, they have been in the news and under extreme scrutiny for their business practices. Ms. Spaulding and Ms. Raya, who represent Countrywide, singlehandedly forever changed the face of this company and I am forever grateful for all they did for me, my family and the family that will be able to have years of memories in their new home because two women genuinely cared.

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Timothy Kirkpatrick, former homeowner and advocate for Countrywide