This
April on the 6th will be my 21st wedding anniversary and Sara was our wedding
song. 21 years ago she stood at the top of the chapel stairs, who was ethereally beautiful, gracious and enchanting
in her way. I will always love her, no matter what and not a day goes by I am
humbled by her genuine love for all who enter into her life. An optimist who
never waivers and when a last chance has passed, she finds it in her heart to
lend one additional. And each of these passing days I struggle in pain. The
pain I had caused. I know she has forgiven me, I however will not.
I
was thinking the other day about love and the battle between the mind and the
heart. Who wins? Who loses? I have been in and know of many who have been in
relationships, marriages, partnerships with the loves of their lives and the
heart seems to extend its delicate, powerful tendrils to the one that may be
even a truer love, or a soul mate. Our mind tugs on those tendrils and whispers
the reasons why we shouldn’t.
The
heart seems to know otherwise and the truth is the big question.
I
remember meeting someone many years ago. He was young, beautiful, and
intelligent and in my own bottled up truth, we spent the night talking. His
parents were missionaries; he of Cuban and American Indian decent shared with
me the music he wrote and performed; his passion for playing pool; his love of
country music and bigger fellows. He also shared with me the love of his life.
Each time one was ready for the other, distance or another lover seemed to be
in the way. I looked up at the stars in the moonlit sky as we passed the Jackie
Gleason theatre in South Beach and I thought about how unfair it was that she was in a relationship that was not whole. She deserves to be loved and to love
- all the way and not with someone who was not really there. For me, I wondered
what if I fell in love? How would all of this work? I made a decision that
night that the truth, for whatever it was worth along with its wrenching pain,
must be told.
So
I did.
A
week or so after that night, I went for a walk and I told her. They say the
truth sets you free. I am puzzled at how freedom aches. Still, after all these
years.
I
write this leaving plenty out, wondering if its too soon, if its too risky, if
its a bit raw and unfair.
I
believe there are so many beautiful people in the world, in my world, that have
shared their joy, their pain, their laughter love and many things I would not
dare write publicly. Secret loves, secret lives great pleasures glazed with
internal strife in wonder.
If
I can open a small door on my own life perhaps it could help some young person
who is afraid to be his or her true self and reach out. Or an older friend, one
my age step out to the end of life's diving board, bounce really high, do a
back flip in the air and twist around in the sea of love.
Don't
deny yourself pleasure and do it with integrity and abandonment.
